To Blog, Or Not To Blog…THAT is the question.

It’s been some time since i’ve entered the hallowed internet hall of this blog.  During that time i’ve gained and lost weight, and in two days I’m having a type of bariatric surgery called “Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy”.  In short, it will limit the amount of food I can eat for the rest of my life, but without the malabsoprtion issues that comes with bypass surgery.

 

So with that said, friends and readers of my professional blog seem to think i should start blogging and vlogging again about the experience.

 

What say you interwebs?  Do you care if the Fat Ass rises again?

Knowledge Is Power

Knowledge Is Power

I just wanted to share this with everyone…it may help you down the line.

It’s Not You…It’s Me

<please note, I have OBVIOUSLY taken some artistic license with this blog…>

So I broke up with my diet today.  More specifically, i broke up with the TYPE of diet program I am on.

And when I say I broke up with it, I mean in every sense of the word.  I didn’t just have to go off the diet, I had to go into the clinic and tell the staff I wouldn’t be seeing them again.

Oh sure, it started out nice enough…

Clinic Staff: Hey Brian, how are you today?  How was your trip?

Me: Umm..great.  Look, is there somewhere private we can talk?

CS: Sure..there’s no one else here.  What’s up?

Me: Umm…look, I’ve been giving it a lot of thought and I just don’t think this is working out…

CS: Oh…Well…Ok….Wow….SO didn’t see this coming….Ummmm

Me:  PLEASE understand…it really was a good fit at first, but as time has gone on…I feel my interest in you has waned, and that’s not really fair to you.

CS: I still don’t understand…did I say or do something?

Me: NO!  Not at all…it’s not you.  It’s TOTALLY me.  I think you’re great and there are plenty of people who are out there that will think you’re awesome…I mean…I THINK you’re awesome too…but I just don’t see this lasting..i mean….long term.  

CS: It’s another diet isn’t it?  You met another diet….

Me:  No…I really didn’t….Honest.  I don’t think I even have it IN ME to diet anytime soon.  

CS: Then what is it?

Me: I don’t think it would be a good idea to get into it…

CS : <getting angry>:  If you EVER cared for me, the least you can do is tell me why you can’t see being with me LONG TERM….if that’s really the reason…

Me:  FINE!  You want the truth?  Here is it.  YOU ARE SMOTHERING ME!  You’re too restrictive!  I’m not allowed to drink, I can barely eat without you getting pissy with me…and when I am allowed to, it’s like… you can have this and nothing else.  DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW OLD THAT GETS!?  Sometimes a man wants a glass of wine.  A Schmoke and a Pancake… a Bong and a Blintz!  I NEED TO LIVE DAMN IT! 

CS: Oh…well I’m sorry you feel that way Brian.  Fine.  Go and LIVE your life.  Eat whatever the hell you want!  Drink whatever you want.  You’ll be back eventually….

<I turn around and walk out the door>

THEY ALL COME BACK BRIAN….DO YOU HEAR ME!!! THEY ALLLLL COME BACKKKKKK!!!!!  

About the author: Brian is just your typical average 40 Year Old Philadelphia Based Fat Ass who is trying to find a healthier way of living through humor.

Brian hopes you’ll comment on this post, or email him directly!

Side Effects May Cause….

I’ve been thinking about the word “diet” over the last three days.  What is the origin, what does it truly mean?

According to Merriam-Webster:

Definition of DIET

1
a : food and drink regularly provided or consumed
b : habitual nourishment
c : the kind and amount of food prescribed for a person or animal for a special reason
d : a regimen of eating and drinking sparingly so as to reduce one’s weight <going on a diet>
2
a something provided or experienced repeatedly <a diet of Broadway shows and nightclubs — Frederick Wyatt>

Origin of DIET

Middle English diete, from Anglo-French, from Latin diaeta,from Greek diaita, literally, manner of living, from diaitasthaito lead one’s life

First Known Use: 13th century

So by that reasoning, a diet is nothing more than what we would normally do.  Eat.  It also quite literally says that it is about your manner of living.  So at the end of the day, a diet is nothing more than life itself, and how you decide to live it.  That’s all well and good…so why do we put ourselves through this?  What’s the point?

In the last 10 years or so, you may have noticed that there is a litany of things that come as “oh, by the way’s” with medication to make your “diet” more manageable.  These are normally said very quickly, in a very calm manner as they don’t want to spook you away from using their product.  It’s like a salt lick for humans.

Anyway…I think when you start what from this point on, I shall refer to as a “weight-loss regimen”…you should have someone come up to you very calmly and say the following:

Going on a weight loss regimen is not for everyone.  Please check with your psychologist or psychiatrist before starting any type of weight loss program and/or “diet”.  Side effects may be, but are not limited to: horrendous flatulence, dry mouth, wet mouth, insomnia, restlessness, fatigue, sleepiness, restless leg syndrome, restless mouth syndrome, sweating, chills, constipation, mood swings, headaches, more horrendous flatulence, bad breath, frequent trips to the bathroom, aches in your stomach, constant mental bickering amongst yourself, pains in your stomach,stomach cramping, hallucinations that include visions of cakes, pies, pizza, and all other manner of food you can’t eat, lack of interest in anything else other than thinking about food you shouldn’t be thinking about, more mood swings, weight loss, weight gain, body dysmorphic disorder, bloating, unbloating, dillusions of not needing to “diet”, agitation by people who can eat anything and not have to be on a “weight loss program”, unexplained anger towards people who enjoy exercise.  Weight loss programs are not for people who are pregnant, have become pregnant or plan to get someone pregnant.

Well…at least there’s no worry of anal leakage.  I feel sorry for those poor bastards.

 

About the author: Brian is just your typical average 40 Year Old Philadelphia Based Fat Ass who is trying to find a healthier way of living through humor.

Brian hopes you’ll comment on this post, or email him directly!

Fat Ass Rising – Days of Wine & Medifast

So, some of you may have been following my “Tales Of A 40 Year Old Fat Ass” vlog on YouTube and Facebook.  If you haven’t, and are new to this altogther…then you may want to check them out, THEN come back here.  For those of you who supported doing both that and this…here it is.  Fat Ass Rising – THE BLOG!

So, it’s been roughly two months since i’ve actively done Medifast.  I decided to take a “break” back around the Passover/Easter holiday because…well…I had lost 45 pounds, and feeling a little cocky.  “I got this” I thought to myself, “I can handle a weekend off program…besides…how much damage can some matzoh and some of my mother-in-law’s Eastery goodness going to do to me?”

Well, here we are…2 months and 20 pounds later and my fat ass is halfway back to where I started in February.  I weighed in at 294.8 pounds this AM.  EXACTLY 20 pounds shy of my heaviest.

I don’t know why it is that whenever I get around to the 270# mark…I sabotage myself.  The same thing happened a couple of years ago when I decided to do Weight Watchers.  I lost about 30 pounds or so…and people started the whole “Oh, you look GREAT!”  I ran into people who I don’t really care for after a stage show and had the “Wow have you lost weight, you look so different” conversation.  What should have been an outstanding moment mentally “Yeah..that’s right..I do look good you bastards…enjoy the view of my ass while you’re at it as I walk away” was not nearly as great as it should have been.   It went down in my mind like this: “Well go fuck yourself..if you think I look good, then i’m going to gain it all back!  I don’t need YOU of all people to tell me how good I look.  I’LL SHOW YOU YOU BASTARDS!!!”

Makes a lot of sense, right?  Right?!

So, naturally when I was right around 270 back in the early part of the spring, it seemed like an opportune time to sabotage myself again.  I was feeling good, my energy levels were up, I was slowly backing into a pair of old 42 jeans.  Life was good.  What the hell happened?  What is it about 270 that derails me?  So I decided to do a little investigating.  According to the all knowing Wikipedia:

In Mathematics:

In Other Fields:

Something seemed to be missing…so I added:

If it’s on Wikipedia, it must be true.  Right?!

About the author: Brian is just your typical average 40 Year Old Philadelphia Based Fat Ass who is trying to find a healthier way of living through humor.

Brian hopes you’ll comment on this post, or email him directly!

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